Stupid Email Hall of Fame

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We all get them: stupid email forwards. Misguided (or just plain idiotic) friends, relatives and coworkers forward us stuff that promises to be “hilarious” or “amazing,” when it’s actually so damn stupid, you want to reach through the computer and strangle them for sending it to you. These emails belong in the Stupid Email Hall of Fame. Since the election, my inbox has been blissfully empty of ignorance from redneck relatives. But one sent me this gem and I had to post it here:

I bought a bird feeder. I hung

it on my back porch and filled


it with seed. What a beauty of


a bird feeder it is, as I filled it


lovingly with seed. Within a


week we had hundreds of birds


taking advantage of the


continuous flow of free and


easily accessible food.

But then the birds started

building nests in the boards


of the patio, above the table,


and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was

everywhere: on the patio tile,


the chairs, the table,in the pool.


Everywhere!

Then some of the birds

turned mean. They would


dive bomb me and try to


peck me even though I had


fed them out of my own


pocket.

And others birds were

boisterous and loud. They


sat on the feeder and


squawked and screamed at


all hours of the day and night


and demanded that I fill it


when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even

sit on my own back porch


anymore. So I took down the


bird feeder and in three days


the birds were gone. I cleaned


up their mess and took down


the many nests they had built


all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like

it used to be…. quiet, serene


and no one demanding their


rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see.

Our government gives out


free food, subsidized housing,


free medical care, and free


education and allows anyone


born here to be an automatic


citizen.

Then the illegals came by the

tens of thousands. Suddenly


our taxes went up to pay for


free services; small apartments


are housing 5 families; you


have to wait 6 hours to be seen


by an emergency room doctor;


your child’s 2nd grade class is


behind other schools because


over half the class doesn’t speak


English.

Corn Flakes now come in a

bilingual box; I have to


‘press one’ to hear my bank


talk to me in English, and


people waving flags other


than ‘Old Glory’ are


squawking and screaming


in the streets, demanding


more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe

it’s time for the government


to take down the bird feeder.


If you agree, pass it on; if not,


continue cleaning up the poop!

Oh, where to begin? I guess first of all, the Native Americans could’ve used this same analogy on most of our ancestors, except their “birds” would also rape their women, spread disease through their population, and strip them of their land, sending them into the God-forsaken middle of nowhere to die. And I’m sorry, but if you’re stupid enough to think immigrants are the reason our taxes are higher, schools are behind and waits are long at the ER, you deserve to get pooped on. It’s easy to blame someone else for problems we (and our government) have created: Shitty economic strategies, reduced educational spending and a sub-par healthcare system. But it can’t be our (or God forbid, the previous administration!) fault! No! It must be the Mexicans! They’ve ruined this country with their willingness to work! That must be it!

Also, I’m sure Hallmark would love that you stole a trademarked character and used her to spout your racist bullshit. Shall I give them your address to send the copyright infringement papers to?

Have you received something like this? Or does this email pale in comparison to some of the stupid crap you’ve received? If so, forward those dumb emails to bubblegumculture@gmail.com. We’ll mock and debunk (if necessary) these stupid emails every Wednesday.

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5 responses to “Stupid Email Hall of Fame

  1. What character did they steal from Hallmark? I read it but must have missed it.

    Yeah, this seems like something that would be submitted to letters to the editor or some such. Do stupid letters to the editor count, or does MBB already have that covered?

  2. @lalaland13: OK, the picture didn’t show up, but it’s that “Maxine” character that’s on Hallmark cards: The smart ass old lady.

  3. On top of that just being a fucking retarded comparison, it’s easy to tell she’s lying. Squirrels ALWAYS eat the food before the birds. FACT.

  4. @Lizzie: So true! I bought a bird feeder this summer and those little fuckers ate all the seed (or dumped it out on the ground) before the birds even got a chance.

  5. Did Joe The Plumber write this? That fucker will say anything to evade taxes!

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